Sending your message. Please wait...
Thanks for sending your message! I'll get back to you shortly.
There was a problem sending your message. Please try again.
Please complete all the fields in the form before sending.
A Broken Heart and Therapy for the Mind a FREE E-Book
Girls = time x money
Time = Money
Girls = Money x money = (Money)^2 squared
Square Root of (Money)^2 = Square root of Evil
Money = Root of all Evil
Girls = (Root of Evil)^2
Girls = Evil
It's that simple.
*********************************************
INTRODUCTION
This is the story of my insanity.
Will it ever end?
The thoughts repeat in my head like echos in an empty room.
The walls bounce the same old thoughts across my mind,
and my heart pours and spashes thick red blood across the carpetless
floor. so hollow, so empty, and it echos so clearly.
A prism in her hand she says. she is the light.
a prism in my mind I sit. Her light shines through.
An unquestionable entrance, and a loss escape.
The light is reflected in this prism catacombed state.
Light and sounds echo everywhere. Off the walls, in this lonely room.
So confusing. So misunderstood.
Her way my way, her big secret all this bull shit.
It's not her prism I cry for now.
That's how fucked up this all is. a cry for a light that has no
entrance or key to my prism gate.
a cry for an echo which only murmours in my mind for my ears want to hear
it's fading chime.
A selfish statement, a misguided light. I am to blame for this fight.
Never again, can I express a thing, for these echos of my past are way to deafning.
Never again will i want to hear..
in my echoing room the repeated words of leave my chamber, and move your prism
else where.
One is two, and two is more because we all agree you come nocking way to much
at my door. Her big red mouth, relfects a thousand times off my prisms walls,
an infnite refraction of her words make no light but only sounds of selfish calls.
selfish.. you little prism, be a man, and crack my riddle.
During which the entire time, the ray of light is still shining...
the prism sits in her open
hand.. in that empty room, with relentless echos of stirring plans.
they keep coming, all this chaos , and not enough time. the walls are to
busy white stripes with black paint.
all the echos will not be heard, i saw red in this bird.
The prism attempts to spin around on it's top like a dime.
catching each echo from the sounds of the bird who NOW flutters in time!
a bird in the room? how can this be? I thought I was so lonely -yet free!
That's what I want, I want it to fly. I want to see the light in my eye.
the prism door, still closed shut. all the light reflects the confusion, with
every intrinsic cut, of glass in this prism, and in my mind.
blames it on me. and the prism collapses... it's bounderies are weak...
it must sucumb to this horrifing rememberence of defeat..
. to a million pieces it shatters free
echoing again, in this lonely room.
The light shoots out like an exploding star, feeling this dark cold space,
with much much more.
I can finally see how trully empty this place will be...
the walls are red, and not very black.
The stripes are not stripes, but merely a mess.
Headlights on, and keep on moving... reaching and holding what ever
I can with this broken prism, in my hand.
One arm left.. resting on the wall
wandering... where do i lean which way shall it fall?..
just an echo in this room.
just a bird fluttering its wing
The light uncertian to as where it wll bend.
God please just tell me...
will it ever end?
Lasting Thoughts of Pain
they seem to last forever i think.
no matter. when. where, or what situation might arise. the feeligns thatonce were.
will somehow always exists. The small things that make you want that special part of your forgotten love.
will always cirlce and rise again. the bird swoops downward crossing
the sun rays of hope and wanting fate. it's a constant twist of thoughts, and pain of memories, that will always touch pieces of your heart that was so delicately placed in this lifetime to exists for one reason. to
make it all seem real.
I can no longer understand these complications behid the why's and what if's.
i'm growing old with experience now, and the painis frightenly to familiar with me I can't take it. I miss to much
i see and feel,and hope for too much. it hurts to want so much. and to
gain so little inthese new experiences that i feel should be true.
how does one move forward whenthepast contantly lurks around the corner of his every dream . how do
we make a move to the.."myname what are you doing"...
BEFORE WE BROKE UP.
......
Wed, 22 Sep 1999
"Love you,
HerName"
An email from the ex on 28 Sep 1999
subject: XOXOXOX
**kisses** & ((hugs))
Smurfette
"'Tis better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all"
"Give all to love, obey thy heart"
"The best proof of love is trust"
"To love is to place your happiness in the happiness of another"
An email from the ex on 25 Nov 1999
Subject: smiles
"Love Always,
HerName"
An email from the ex on Fri, 10 Dec 1999
Subject: I love you more than anything
"Love Always,
Smurfette a.k.a. HerName
(xxx)xxx-xxxx <------that's my dad's ##
Oh, and I'll try to get online tonight if I can, but that's not a guarantee.
**kisses** & ((hugs)) X's & O's
An email from the ex on 24 Dec 1999
Subject: =) Merry Christmas, Baby
"Love Always,
Smurfette
**NOW FOR THE REGRESSED STATE OF HER FRIENDSHIP, AND HER NEW BECOMING**
Chapter .5 It Begins
September 12th, 1999. I met the girl who I believe I fell in love with the
first time of my life. I loss my virginity 2 days later.
I stayed with this girl for over a year. We grew together likes tomatoes melt
into tomatoe soup.
Day1: missing,, wishing hoping. denial
Day2: Shopping, wanting to buy for a girl that hurts, wanting to buy so that
no other guy can buy it for her to make her happy. Missing alot. Wanting to
know how she is... iff she is happy. Realzing no matter how much she might
edventually miss me. I can never go back. We must go our own way. as long as
it seems right to travel our own way. Understanding that one day she will be
just as beutiful with another man. sleeping with him, having love with him,,
and having smiles, and joy of fun with someone other than you. That's just me
trying to feel special... me trying to have her for myselff, and those
enjoyments of life. It's simple.. It's good to be wanted, loved, cared for,
and most importantly... a choice because of happyiness.
I do not bring her that happyiness now. She will find it. I hope.
I want to buy her so much now. But shouldn't. It will be okay. I feel sick to
miss her. I love her. I love her more now, more than she will ever realize.
Maybe even more than I should. I can I say I love someone so much, and not
commit to marriage. But maybe that is jus tit.. spending the rest of my life
with her, may not be right, and therefore, may not be the true love I yearn
for. I wish we were alone on an island, and that was the only way to obtain
both of our true happyness together... it's over.. I must understand this...
until I do. I will hurt, worry and wish.
Day 500: not really but who is keeping track.. feels like an eternity. SHe
likes it rough. Apparently.. I'm not rough enough.. could be. That is one
little.. not really important thing which caused our seperation. But it's
actualy a big deal.. because from there we get to the solution. which involved
her meeting another guy.. which involves her loving another guy, which
involves the loss of the kind of love she once had for me.. which involves her
to spending more time with another guy, which involves her hiding things from
me, which involves her making another guy hpapy, not making me feel special,
and she will dress for him, dance for him, shower with him. can't do anything
but wait.. for this pain to go numb... my life.. is fucked.
*************
CHAPTER 1 CONFUSION
And the iron bridge has been lifted alas. He awakens' the mind of the keys
and begins to unravle his twisted thoughts onto this black screen with white
painted letters. So poetic, ,and then he mocks himself. NO confidence anymore
with little faith in what he believe to be true, and yet as he develops a
story line of truth, he slowly begins to believe of arrogance....
How is it soo... already the month of NOv. and soon to be 21! what time has
gone by../?? what things have changed... the people around me.. the family a
far.. the mind within. all changed... for the better?? hopefully...
a few things need to be developed and analyzed here, and yet that mouthed
issue is the very reason in which I dare to tread the waters of this narrative
mind.... so confusing so loss... so bewildered with why things are the way
they are... but yet.. the lazy anwser would be... don't ask thee.. yea..
easier said than done.. but with inquiring minds.. come inquiring things .. so
i do ask... WHY?
The awnser....
We have many different creatures on this earth.. the butterfly.. oh yes .. the
butterfly.. so sweet, so peaceful, so loud with colors, and so calm for
sound... I know so much about the beautiful butterlies which crawl, walk ,and
fly on this earth.. and yet,, in a flutter of a wing, a sigh and yawn of a
godly breeze the angelic creature could easily and almost randomoly change
directions and drift another way.... i must admit I do love this butterfly,
but still never knowing why it sits, and flutters on my hand, and on my arm,
and on my mind,, and through it's energy, and it's unknowing ability to sit
delicately on my heart.
The grasshopper is another facinating creature next to the ant, the spider,
and the bubble bee. All this littl creatures play such a fascinating role in
our lives.. and even at the drawing age of 21 I still realize their
uniquiness. and like a kindergardner I sit and ponder about them from time to
time... like the birds, and the flies, and that little lizard that always
finds it's way just inches from my shoes as I cross across the sidewalk.. day
after day.. after day... oh no.. did a strike a swift chord of monotony? I
sure hope not.. because we all know how much I fear that.... the lizard
doesn't fear that does he?? how about that grasshopper?? hops around freely,
and almost effortlessly in an attempt to either save himself from a preditor
or find himself a prey. Constantly batteling the circle of life, in the lower
part of the food chain. At night he sings a string instrument.. and it is
heard from my window on the second floor. The forest behind my building is a
great playground for such events, and I never understood why when I wanted to
hear them most, and tuned in closely, they sometimes stopped playing their
winged instrument, as if they were listening back at what I had to sing. So
sometimes I do... and I sing a world of MP3z, and Cd's ... from my computer
speakers, and I wonder if any of those little creatures like what I play.
My kitchen seems to be the home of several ant colonies. I enjoy watching
those little creatures too. They're amazing when they lift things with such
ease, and move around blocks 3 tiems their size.. i sometimes watch, and with
concern of their life, I watch them crawl on my bathroom counter, or the
counter in the kitchen, sticking to ever growing amount of stains, and stick
which never seems to get cleaned up. The floor also is most likely a great
territory for this creatures to crawl on because it never gets mopped, unless
I mop it... and the old man asks.. do you have issues? and the anwser . Yes.
but we will move on.. I sometimes kill these ants without thought.. and
without remorse.. I mean.. how much remorse could one actually create for an
ant? I do sometimes hwoever... that is... gain a sense of attachment to this
little creatures.. who have one sole purpose.. search..search..search... it
seems like they are worst than humans. Their always searching.. in fact..
their better than humans in the sense that at least they know what and why
their are searching.... I never know with my life.. exactly what I'm searching
for on my counter top, and in my kitchen, and on my large game size world of
bathroom counters..... everything seems to be turning black and white.. just
like the words on this screen. I"m looking and looking for grey areas, and
the anwser keeps leading me back to one thing... the bubble bee. not
really... but sord of... If you think about it's mission.. it's almost better
than all other creatures right now... unlike the grasshopper, then ant, the
butterfly, it uses it's ability to fly, hop, skip and crawl to search, but
search in so many different areas! It's alot like an ant, but so much better
because it's like an ants dream to become a bird and fly. This little create
going from flower to flower, and helping the butterlfy pollinate for the next
seaons bloom. I never thought I would speak of a bumblebee in this fashion..
but I guess I should of expected sometime like this.. since I drew and colored
pictures of bumblebees in kindergarden.... I don't see bumblebees as much as I
remember seing them as a kid. Does that mean I've changed?? Kind of not seing
cartoons anymore? Did the bumblebee disapear with age?? The world around
me is surrounded by expectations.. from friends to work, and even to my
family... what must I do to keep these expectations for overcoming me???
I don't know what to do with so many things.. and I have all these thoughts
about why I am the way I am now.. and how the year has flown by so quickly,
and how if the year changed so fast, if I've changed faster with the year's
passing hours??? Only so much can really happen to a guy in a year.... a
loss, a gain.. a search, and again.. it's just like the little creatures quest
in life.. don't be the prey, but find another predator. I hope to god, i'm
not the prey, but you never know with this whole circle of life thing... so
who is my god.. and why don't I go to church? more issues huh???
I also believe in the fact that I may be achieving a degree in something I'm
not goin gto want to do when I grow up.. ha! grow up! how much older can one
grow before he/she is grown up? that scares me.. so what? psycology?
socialogy, medical, lawyer?? all these options still up for grabs I guess...
I don't know how my mind is handling all this... it's quite overwhelming as
you might think.... by the way I type now ,and confuse things later... I have
so much to talk about, that I don't even know how to logically anaylze any one
situation, and the only things I can do to sum up my train of thought is to
say.. i have issues.. i know this.. everyone does.. that is.. have their own
issues...
I don't know.. i jus tdon't know.. so my mission is to find myself? yes that
was a question and not a statement.. intedned for the higher one to respond..
maybe if this could be like a prayer, and I could ask for his guidance.. then
they could respond, and understand my sincerity when i say... pleae... tell
... me... what I should do.. with everything!... these little creatures are so
maginficant, and so wonderful, and possibly happy in their own little world..
and I ask myself.. why am I here?
The question.. .no one wnats to hear.. so do I call her now?? or go to sleep??
errr so much said..,. much to be continued... until the ironbridge raises it's
jaw again...
--Me
November 11th 2000
Chapter 3 DESPERATE LETTER OF INSANITY TO HER...
DOn't know why.
Torture: Excruciating physical or mental pain; agony: the torture of
waiting in suspense.
Confusion: The state of being abashed or disconcerted; loss
self-possession; perturbation; shame.
Love: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward
a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive
qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one
is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
Tear: To pull apart or into pieces by force; rend.
tears: A drop of the clear salty liquid that is secreted by the lachrymal
gland of the eye to lubricate the surface between the eyeball and eyelid
and to wash away irritants.
tears. A profusion of this liquid spilling from the eyes and wetting the
cheeks, especially as an expression of emotion.
want: To desire greatly; wish for.
happyiness: An agreeable feeling or condition of the soul arising from
good fortune or propitious happening of any kind; the possession of those
circumstances or that state of being which is attended enjoyment; the
state of being happy; contentment; joyful
satisfaction; felicity; blessedness.
women: An adult female human being. A wife.
A lover or sweetheart.
girl: A female child.
An immature or inexperienced woman, especially a young woman.
marijuana: A preparation made from the dried flower clusters and leaves of
the cannabis plant, usually smoked or eaten to induce euphoria.
alcohol:Any of a series of hydroxyl compounds, the simplest of which are
derived from saturated hydrocarbons, have the general formula CnH2n+1OH,
and include ethanol and methanol.
fate: The supposed force, principle, or power that predetermines events.
future: The indefinite time yet to come:
true to life: Conforming to reality.
shooting star: A bright trail or streak that appears in the sky when a
meteoroid is heated to incandescence by friction with the earth's
atmosphere.
earth: The realm of mortal existence; the temporal world.
special: Surpassing what is common or usual; exceptional:
friend: A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
boredom: The central meaning shared by these nouns is a condition of
mental weariness, listlessness, and discontent:
loss: The harm or suffering caused by losing or being lost.
forget: To banish from one's thoughts.
time: A nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently
irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future.
thought: The act or process of thinking; cogitation. To bring into a given
condition by mental preoccupation
mind: The human consciousness that originates in the brain and is
manifested especially in thought, perception, emotion, will, memory, and
imagination.
My mind. my thoughts. My love. My future. My beliefs in fat. My
definitons are defined. What I want is clear. What I don't want is
clear. The shooting star is above us now, the galaxy is short, and the
time is spent. How much I will like to give to the suffering man, who is
loss with time. How much I would pay to have my cancer removed, and my
life restored. My life is my cancer, and my cancer is my life. I know
none other, and wish none other. Love is to strong, my faith is to hard
to break. I see the future.. clear. With open arms I wish for things to
come true in happyiness for both our signs in the sky. Way up high. As
high as one can be on drugs and free with Marijuana, and stuffed with beer
and alcohol, wild is going to come, and in these eyes and this mind, it
will seize the hour, 60 seconds, the count down begins.. the hour as
come.. what will remember, the thoughts and the people, the friends we
deal. Like a card game and only poker can be played, but the magic he
told. It's a gamble but so is life. The love the faith, all of it. I
wish none other.. it would be to boring.. the expectations.. the
watnings. .the displeasure and pleasure.. This boat is aloft now, the
skies are the limits, and I know how much i want them. To come crashing
down, to come crashing with me.. into this world.. this earth in which we
all live on.. born on and will most likely die on. AStyronauts are so
lucky to say other wise..... ohhh what to do.. or say.. my head a spins
after a few drinks already.. the 31st, my life.. the world as it is
.. from a 21 year olds cones.. the devices which allow vision... ohhh
nooo.. it's hppening ....the tears.. that is.. it breaks away like a
rushing storm.. into the clouded mind, and out the pores which allow me to
see what is ahead of me.. The future can't be anymore clear. I will be
wild, and I will be loved. I will be faithful, and I will be encouraged, I
will go with the flow, for myself, the world.. I believe one river
edventually takes us all.. on our way.. flows like the blood in my veins,
and will not stop until it's torn me into the person I must be. I wish I
wish I wish I wish.. with all my red shining shoes.. to be returned back
to Kansas, and to grasp all things that make men and women, and girls
hurt.. Those little understandable and yet untangible things. Age, love,
grwoth and birth.
All worries.. alll thoughts will be in a delirous craze washed away.. to
my satisfaction with or without the content of this cancner.. why I must
follow this yellow brick road is left to none other. I must go...
--Insane #5000
Can not stop to think..
and ponder all the questions that unravel on the path to success, and
the road to death.
we are all on a road.... to an end.
this moment.. carpe' diem is the last day of my past, and the first
day of my future.
I can't help to think how much i miss the way things once were. I'm
not just talking the past years, but the decades. It seems as though
recollection and memories are the only things that make living the
moment right now better, with the knowledge that this moment is our
last day of our past, and the first day of our future.. it must be
better for it to be our last than our first. The first never brings
forth memories, and a remembrance of how it all once was.. until it
the first day becomes our last.
If that didn't make sense.. then good.. because look at the damn time!
you think i'm a bit sober! hell no!and I din't care... you see..
that's just it! all of you ... really don't understand me yet!! and
will never understand the meaning behind my hidden words... in my
mind, behind my eyes,and deep down into the depths of my soul.. i
really.. don't care... but... with every breath i take... i phewl you
into thinking i care to wake up tomorrow. It's all a big joke, post
poning the end.. whih will come edventually.. so i ask.. why does it
matter... jenny??? jenn??? monica??? anyone that I actually care
about in my life... or have cared about... does it matter!???!
Chapter 4 ADDON 1
<-------->
01-14-02
I just realized. I started this website.. exactly... 3 months ago. All this pain.. and confusion of unwanted words...written in only 3 months.
How am I sane?
Email i sent to a special friend:
Hey babe.. I want to start off by saying. I can't sleep. I haven't slept
well or had much to eat in the last week.
I want to also say.. do not worry about me.. I am getting better. Which is
hard to really admit to but my friends have already told me so.
I can only believe what I am told right now.. my own thoughts are clouded
for so many stresses, and visions, and realizations That I can not speak of.
I'm not really sober right now. It's really the first night, I've been
alone, and not sober. I'm relatively okay, and I've come to my sense to
finally write you back... so you don't worry! ;P but i fear
taht after I write whatever I'm going to write in this probally rambling
email.. you will worry.. when in theory.. you shouldn't! and this
email.. should make you feel better about my mental health. :p hrmmm
Well.. i'm very depressed. heheh we'll get that off my chest with an
"ironic" but laughing gesture. I'm really missing her. For many
different reasons other than the logic I should be reasoning with.
Yes, it is over. and yes she did find another guy to lean on, for support,
comfort, and I'm guessing self confidence. It makes me sad to know.. that
she wil lbe pleased, and satisfied by him with the possiblity that she
will ... and most likely... SHE WILL. enjoy him more than me now.. because
if that wasn't the case.. I would think she is coming back to me.. but I
can no longer think that.. for I will never move on..
Hhehe.. it's this whole catch 22.. of unawnsered questions I'm dealing
with.
I've been writing... ALOT... i mean.. I basically pour my feelings, and
thoughts onto this online journal for the wolrd to
see.. Ironically.. this world wide web page.. doesn't get anyone other
than me.. really looking at it.
girlsarethesourceofevil.com
please take no offense to it.. it's really about one girl.
I date each entry... most recent are at the bottom.
I'm not asking you to read it.. I wouldn't ask anyone to ready my
journal.. But... it's good to let people konw.. that if I were to havea
hournal exposed to the world to see.. I would want my closest friends to
have the "abilitY' if chosen to read it.. to really see what I suffer, how
I feel.. and most important.. what exactly might be going through my head
at this very moment.
Personally.. I don't care if anyone wants.. or ever reads it for those
reasons.. It just helps me. Unleash,, expose, and realize how real this
is in my life.
God.. M****a!! I have so much flowing in my head.. I think I might
explode.... I'm so.. sad, and yet.. so content.. to an over excited
meloncholy tone of spirit.
Stupid butterfly floats around my tree for 2 years soaking on my wanted
branches, and singing on my wanted to be sung on leaves. And now... just
like one.. huge gust of fate driven wind.. this butterfly floats a drift
to another tree with relatively more colourful flowers... from the insects
point of view
.
..
But both trees.. stand tall. .. and among millions of other trees in this
rain forest of love. I just can't see above the tree tops, because I'm
rooted with these missing visits of the butterfly, and my wings are
clipped to fly. I can only grow. My branches, my roots, my
leaves... time and time will allow these brances to grow above the once
visited branches.. so far above. .edventually my own leaves, and branches
will cover these untangible scars.. and then the sun will shine again on
my new leaves,
I hurt M****a. I hurt to think she is okay. I hurt to think I will not be
okay. I hurto think about my future. I hurt to think about my present. I
h
urt to think about my relative past.
It all seems to cloud my happy thoughts, and bring forth my lonlyness.
I must... find lonlyeness.
Please don't worry.
I need this in my life. Lesson must be learned. It's not because I'm
weak. I really know this is more than a weak mind battle. It's tougher
than anything I have ever done.. and I am doing my best. It's just so
unreal. Everytime...I'm awake, most overwhelming when I first become
awake. My nightmare is my life. But.. It's not. For nightmares are only
instances of a small part of our real life that exist. I have to realize
this and believe it, in order to trully put aside my nightmarish
connection with the realizty I live in.
God... go to sleep MyName ;).
<-------->
01-15-02
She used to wake up next to me and say. Good morning sunshine. The sun is awake! The sun is awake!
SHe was my other half to my magic trick.
It's over. Feeling better with each passing day.
<-------->
01-15-02
alone - adj.
Being apart from others; solitary.
Being without anyone or anything else; only.
Considered separately from all others of the same class.
Being without equal; unique.
lone?ly (lnl)
adj. lone?li?er, lone?li?est
Without companions; lone.
Characterized by aloneness; solitary.
Unfrequented by people; desolate: a lonely crossroads.
Dejected by the awareness of being alone. See Synonyms at alone.
Producing such dejection: the loneliest night of the week.
These adjectives describe lack of companionship. Alone emphasizes being apart from others but does not necessarily imply
unhappiness: I am never less alone, than when I am alone (James Howell). Lonely often connotes painful awareness of
being alone: No doubt they are dead, she thought, and felt... sadder and... lonelier for the thought (Ouida).
Lonesome emphasizes a plaintive desire for companionship: You must keep up your spirits, mother, and not be lonesome
because I'm not at home (Charles Dickens). Solitary often stresses physical isolation that is self-imposed: I
thoroughly enjoyed my solitary dinner.
chapter 5 addon 2
<-------->
01-17-02
Lets see...
Okay.. i go allow myself to tell her i'm okay with her new life, and new boyfriend.
I tell her I will always be here for her as a friend.
She doesn't care... call.. email.. no sign of concern for my well being for over a week!
And then.. she has the audacity to call and "need to talk to me"
This would of course be okay, if she needed to talk to me as a friend.
But no.. of course she needed to talk to me for her own self interest, and for her own reasons not concerning me what so ever.
She wanted me to do something, so she wouldn't feel so bad about something else!
Are you serious?? is your life that perfect right now, that you actually have the nerve.
to abuse our friendship, and the door I stil left open for us to keep?
Do you actually think I would care at all about how something I"m doing to get better, might make you a tiny bit upset?
DOn't call or talk to me unless, you have a disease, you need moral support for something you are doing or want to do.
Your parents are ill or another family member.
Or you are concerned about how I am doing! as a friend!
Other than that.. don't abuse our friendship, don't come to me like i'll be okay
with talking to you as if... you are doing nothing wrong.
It's over! thank god. I'm free at last. I can find someonelse who makes me feel special.
and doesn't put me down.
I don't need you. I am better than you.
If you think you can feel better on some rebound. Then I will always be
the stronger
and better person in our loss and meaningless relationship.
BItter? no not me. hahahah i'm laughing with the thought and the
hopefullness, that she can find someone that can put up with her!
I always thought I was the lucky one.
I'm learning more and more each day.. how she was the lucky one.
<-------->
01-17-02
Something i Found that I wrote last year...
....
you mind does play tricks on you, when you are all alone. I have know idea what just happened to me.
I just watched Hannibal on DVD. A very disturbing flick, but yet very interesting.
At the end of the movie, there was a classical piece which played as the credits scrolled by.
I'm determined to find out who wrote that piece of music, and why it made me feel the way I felt.
I know it's not all classical music, or is it? Maybe it is the person who needs to allow themselves to open up, and soak in the opera.
Maybe it's the late night hour and the pure sensation of lonilness that caused my emotions to run wiild. The movie was over, the room was dark, the
music was playing, and I sat there thinking.. and turned to my friend, my love, my (girl name).. laying on the couch Monday night. Smelling like the remisence
of old alcohol breath, that taste one gets from a passed out drunk. NOt too attractive, but her sleep was so sweet. She looked so at rest and at peace.
Her pretty hair, and her
.....
something else i wrote
.....
title "Butterfly"
....
the butterfly.. so sweet, so peaceful, so loud with colors, and so calm
for sound... I know so much about the beautiful butterlies which crawl,
walk ,and fly on this earth.. and yet,, in a flutter of a wing, a sigh and
yawn of a godly breeze the angelic creature could easily and almost
randomoly change directions and drift another way.... i must admit I do
love this butterfly, but still never knowing why it sits, and flutters on
my hand, and on my arm, and on my mind,, and through it's energy, and
it's unknowing ability to sit delicately on my heart.
<-------->
01-17-02
I'm slowly regressing back to the thoughts, and feelings I had toward her when we first met. It's wierd to think of her as that little girl again.
<-------->
01-12-02
My weekened was amazing. I almost can't describe it. I went camping on a private island.
I saw the sunset and the moonset in the same evening and night.
You can hope and pray, but you will never believe that when it really happens, it will never be as visil or real as you might expect it to seem.
I shot my first rifle and gun.
I learned to not want to share my happiness, even though i wish she were there.
<-------->
01-23-02
for the soldier on the field is appearing stronger than ever. Eyes of
water turn to tears of sorrow, and when the tears run dry, the heart
begins to bleed in replace of the soldiers tears. But the heart can
only bleed for so long, and then even it runs dry. The crowds silence
is replaced with the exhausting breath of the soldier as the tears,
and bleeding heart is now replaced with tears of sweat. For he runs
and runs, and appears to have no more tears, and no more blood
dripping. For the sweat from the pores of his head drip across his
brow, and down the canals of his once dried eyes.
For now... the soldier sweats, but soon even the sweat will run dry.
<-------->
02-11-02
22 years of age. in confusion and in rage. i'll be ... here awhile..
i'm not going no where.. i'll be here awhile... I aint going nowhere...
Over a months gone bye. The pain I feel is becoming a lesser sigh.
The loss I feel is real. The world is of a different appeal.
I know I have to try..
to remember the past and say goodbye.
My world is my futures game.. and my future game is all the same.
22 years of age. Single, and losing rage. Finding myself again... for truth.
and in time.
I know now where to look, it's all up in my head. I no longer feel the hook -
nor do I think I'm dead.
Time is an absolute healer. I experience what I might.
I've learned not to feel her, and I see nothing to fight.
<-------->
02-16-02
The second day after Valentines Day. Man... I really disliked that day...
I guess i have my reasons for disliking it. I didn't talk to her or hear from her...
I found out last night that she's still talking to some of my friends and I guess her friends now. I know when we were going out, they were more my friends.. but realisticly who can put ownership on a friend? so.. they were both of our friends equally...
and now she's partying with them, dancing drinking, and who really knows what else.
The reasons I'm adding something today, is because I believe today was one of my more lonlier days since I've been on "recovery road". It was raning outside, and there wasn't a soul in the area that didn't have something goign on or wanted to do somethin
g like lunch. It just worked out that way...
I checked my email for the first time since tuesday, and it turns out the Ex sent me a valentine Card. It was very sweet, and made me think about how much I missed her. It's that kind of shit that really hurts me... and makes me feel good at the same ti
me. I don't understand it. I now realized something else.. I was getting better, and able to avoid her and not think about her, because I just figured we were angry or something at eachother... that's a reassuring feeling when you are getting over some
body... anger drives us into seperation.. fine.. works for me... AND i always assumed she had this huge busy life, and was probally with some guy on valentines day, and didn't think once about me... but it turns out she did! and that upsets me even more
because I'm in a no win situation again.
I want to call her and hang out with her.. only to make sure she's happy and not alone, in this wierd fucked up universe.. i stil care greatly aobut her, and wish her well.. and if I know she's lonely, and I feel lonely, it's hard not to want to call her
,and combine our loneliness into something happy I knew we once had. even if it's just a movie, or a board game... BUT the big question that comes into play is.. AM I ready for that kind of relationship? If I'm not.. then that would only hurt me more.
So... I sit and realize on this lonely day, that she may miss me, she may not. .she's not angry at me... but neither was I.. really.... So.... what do I do?
How do I focus on something else now.. if I have no reasons for anger and regret? That got me through a few weeks, but this valtenines card should have been shoved righ back at heer face, and I shouldn't have even given it my time of day......
.....
the confusion sets in.. and I must realize once again... In the End it doesn't even matter.
<-------->
Time To Contact Theory! How Long does it really take to forget you loved her
02-18-02
My time to Contact theory: anwsering why we have rebounds, feel that void, and feel alone and depressed
everyone has at some point in their life.. minute friends, hour friends,
day friends, week friends, and sometimes month friends.
So. these people come and go into our lifes.. with a specific nature of
"time to contact". Time to contact is a term I devised to further explain
this theory...
If you have a minute friend, you basically.. either report to them by the
minute (not really feasable), but more or less. you are around them every
minute of the day, and at least know where they are... newly
couples... pyscho couples... extreme .. untrusty lovers... they do
this.. my roomate is doing this with this chick in Chicago. .they are on
the phone together.. .24/7. no joke.
So... the time to contact goes accordinly.. day, week, month etc...
I find it... very lonely.. when you do not have a day person.. they are
like a must in some people's lives.. that person you know.. would want to
talk to you.. the day you wake up.. and would notice if you didn't talk to
them.. the entire day.. i used to have this person.. (ex girlfriend name) for 2.5 years
of my life... the last 2.5 years to be exact... with this person gone.. i
honestly.. have loss.. my day to day person... that's part of the rebound
mental reprucussion.. you want to find this person.. to feel in that
"need... or void" of a day person time to contact.
So.. sometimes i wake up ... like this past weekened.... and realize.. if
died.. or slept all day.... nobody... NOONE.. would really notice... not
for that day.. not even my roomate... SERIOUSLY. that's when you feel
lonely.
I have a bunch of week friends.. maybe even 2/3 day friends.. but i can
honestly say i have no day friends.. and that is why.. when i recieved
that damn v-card from (ex girlfriend name here).. i realized she wasn't angry at me.. and
wanted to have a friendship.. one day... which made me think.. why not
today.. why couldn't we start talking every day.. .. blah blah. .become
day friends again... NOT GOOD... because it's that whole priority
thing.. and this explained even more... about relationships in
general... once you commit to a quicker time of contact.. lets say you go
from a week friend to a day friend... it's very very... hard to climb back
up to a week friend without losing the friend entirely.. based on the soul
principle.. of.. who wanted who to be a week friend and not a day friend
FIRST.. you see.. it's based on that whole fluctuation of love and who
wants who more.. a big fucking game.. so... it would hurt to chose the
wrong person (ex-girlfriend name) to feel in my day friend void, because if she .. .and
SHE WILL... become a not day friend very easily... i would be
hurt... so.. that is why didn't ask her out today for our bike ride and
pic nic..
But this DOESN'T
ALWAYS APPLy... in other words.. you can't assume there is a direct
relationship between how much "time to contact" level you are at, and how much
you may actually care about that person... because I care for alot of people
deeply, but may not talk to them for months.. or weeks.. including my family.
<-------->
02-24-02
And I still hurt.. early in the morning...
the pain i feel... i miss her soo..
theworld is a pain.. a pain i feel..
i feel her abscence..
i feel her yearning and desire..
i feel her lonliness
i feel her completeneesss
i fell her happiness
i feel her forgot fullness
all free now
no bounderies or restraints.
her life is hers
and mine should be mine
but i fear i'm losing my life
day by day..
it passes by
and the weekened becomes hours loss
and i forget why i exist, and why we must breath some more
i know she's there
i know she's breathing
and i know we are alive..
but in my dreams.. she becomes my nightmare, and i feel so much pain
my world.. can not move.
I feel the infliction of her pain on my mind, like gravity feels it's objects
pulling toward the earth.
I am loss with what I should do..
I can not give in..
i can not talk to her first,
but is this a game..
shouldn't ibe able to talk to her?? when i miss her so much..
no rebounds.. no other twisted train of thought for
my warped unusual sense of focus.
it is aall about her.. when i strain like this
it is all about missing her
so... will i ever release this coke, and move to a lesser drug?
will i unravel my twisted train of thought
to better yself in some sort of release to a new free, and completelys ingle world, and ?
i can not anwser that.. y mind is too simple to reveal those questions which proturde and require anwseres from the future, and we all know
how very very unclear that is.
I'm sorry my friend...
it is over... i am loss... the world.. .serverno prupose when you feel this way...
it's almost as if....
as if..i'm depressed.
chapter 6 add on 3
<-------->
03-25-02
It only gets worst again, before it gets better.
So here's the reason for explaining, why my heart is having trouble ever healing.
I've been told by many, it will never heal.
In short, the ex girlfriend is now fuckin the ex roomate. How nice huh?
I don't know the rules behind this. But it feels wrong. I'm sure most would agree.
Aren't there ethics behind this kind of shit? Morals? I guess it all depends on who you talk to.
I'm starting to believe both of them lack all of the above.
But then again, is it really there fault? I'm really becoming more understanding about all this.
Girl is alone, ex-roomate just broken up with his girl. Which btw we were both going out with eachother's girlfriends during the same time he lived with me.
He knew how much she meant to me, how much I loved her. he was there through it all.
And now, he thinks for himself, zero nobility. THe penis must have taken over once again for this weak minded individual.
It's simple. two lonley people. He can't find his own fuckin putang in this city, when hundreds, no thousands flock! Yea, i'm still single, so he might be too, but my point is... don't fuckin sale out.
It's such a fucking sale out to take what is easy, and exploit it on the pure fact, that it's "exciting" for the risk of hurting someone, and it's easy and simple to be with someone you know is alone already and hurts like you do.
Why do I know this? WHy did I need to see this happen? I guess I'm not done with my lessons to be learned.
I guess it's another step of pain, that I must hurdle, to grow into that better, stronger person. I'm not the same person as before. My aspirations, dreams and goals are changing daily.
Part of it was due to this break up, and past of it was due to my realization of what really is important in life.
I hope they are happy. I know in the end, it all comes back around, and one way or another the person you left will be a problem you must handle. The person you seek will be someone else. Both loss virgins, in a world where play brings happiness. A pl
ace, where morals and ethics are no longer just to such a time of lonliness.
<-------->
03-27-02
"insanity is as real as now"
How often does an average man contemplate his insanity? I am curious with every waking hour, how often I consider my own sanity. My work, my social life, my friends, my class, my degree, my career ,my future, my past. It is all one big mix of confetti r
esting in a pot of my insanity. I feel more now, as the final month of my college career comes to a close. I fear I am at the crazy cliff of Catcher in the Rye. I do not know how real all this is. Everything seems to be passing by faster and faster. T
he world is becoming deaf to my ears as if I just exited an 8 hour rock concert, and I was sitting front stage. Peoples words, advice and laughter ring infinitly in my head. As I attempt to make time stand still and grasp the moment now, I fall into an
everlasting dream of desperation and loss hope. Time is becoming harder to grasp like the year, month and the day is almost non-existent. If thought hard enough my day is only as specific as the begginning of the month, the middle of month, the end of t
he month, numbers do not exists in this world of mine. I've never felt so loss within my own thoughts. I blame most of this confusion due to a disturbing encoutner with a girl. A broken law of the bible. A disease of jealousy, anger and a sick/6th sens
e that haunts me. I feel every gust of wind which pushes harder and harder into the wings of the once known butterfly sitting on my shoulder. A butterfly which is bleeding the constant force which is creeping into my dreams, and into the pit of my stomach
. I know when things are occuring, and I sense the future of my own pain. An unexplained marvel of the broken law... but it's affect on me, and my ablility to just know. Is unreal. I knew last thursday, like I know this moment. Unspoken events, which will
never be known, are forever known within my own head, and will be as true to the world as I make them. I am loss to think who I consider my best friends. Everyone needs a day to day contact or you become cold, condescending and lonely. The world which
was so full of colours, slowly slipping into a womb of clouded darkness, and within this deep corridor of thoughts, lonliness is now my friend. A new friend which I must not fight. Fighting this friend wil lbe the final result of my inability to NOT bec
ome insane.
<-------->
03-28-02
I recieved an email today asking what I thought love was.
my response
What do I think
about love? What is it? I think love is the most powerful god given force
to mankind. It is the force which drives men and women to bliss, insanity,
and sacrafice. Without love, there would be no devotion to god, moral
beliefs, and decisions in life which include self sacrafice and
death. There is a thin line between love and hate. Love is the only
thing that could drive someone into jealousy and anger. Love is the
relentless force that creates beutiful works of poetry, art and music.
A simple analogy for love and why exists could be maybe explained in this
analogy, man never created fire, but accepted it's existence, and realized
it's warmth. Love just exists, and like the "warmth" from the fire, there
must be some higher governor to why it really exists in our minds, our
lives, and our souls.
<-------->
04-2-02
I would hope this would be my last posting for the rest of my life, but it seems things just never end.
My old friend, he said to me one day, you are really the only friend I have, I am so glad you are there for me. I was there for him. During his rough girl times, during the time he loss his virginity to a girl I introduced him to. THe girlfriend was the
roomate of my ex. I saw him through that. I went fishing in the pond.
Now his new catch however, is my old dinner. He's picking up the pieces and using it to feel the emptyness of his new fishing void.
Time has passed since our fishing days, but how can ones ethics and morals, and basic friendship ever oversucceed time?
I recieved a call yesterday from the ex. First call in about 2 months. She needed help from me. SOmething about "house problems". I call her back. No anwser. I knew where she was. and I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to confront my mere m
ental imagery of the
shakspearean irony face to face.
Ex roomate, ex girlfriend,
ex girlfriend once the lover of his roomate,
and once the roomate of his lover.
I drove to ex-roomates house. Played it cool, even though my eyes must have taughted the sign of murder.
I couldn't help it. My dreams, night after night only reflect my yearning to do harm to him. Punching over and over.
I don't consider this healthy. I know this. I don't consider myself a hateful, or
dangerous guy either. But these dreams implanted this look of desperation, as if fighting was my last hope for survival.
I walk in, and he tells me to wait, as he asks the girl inside if she "wants to talk to me".
THe guardian at the door. The Man, who now sits on the pedestal of protection for the lady, who knows nothing more than comfort, security and physical replacement.
His face is but of a mere pawn, in her needs. He might think more, but most likely he's thinking again with the GOD giving gift of his penis, to replace his new ex. It's so pathetic. I laughed when I left. I laughed when she told me her problem had somet
hing to do with a can opener. I mean don't get me wrong. .. I want to be there for her always... but the IRONY... it destroys me from the inside out.
Ex girlfriend, at her new boyfriends house, my ex roomate, telling me she called me for the first time in two months, needing help so she can open a can of food. WHy must life be so comical? ;)
chapter who cares add on 4
<-------->
<-------->
04-08-02
You make me laugh. that's all. It's funny how real things become after
you see them face to face. Did you ever get your can opener? If you ever
need me as a friend or for a can opener, i'll be here for ya. Until then,
I'm sure you'll find support and comfort in others.
P.S. DO you know whats funny.. everyone I talk to that broke up with a
long term relationship, their girlfriends end up marrying their
bestfriends/roomates. heheh why do you think that is? Simliar comfort
needed in a time of weakness and dependency? I dunno.... maybe.
P.S.S. you ever tell (ex-roomate) what I said in that email.. I don't care
anymore, but I find it interesting that two people would do something that
most are entitling "borderline disrepsect", and could end up on some jerry
springer show.
P.S.S.S. if none of that applies, and you and (ex-roomate) aren't anything more
than "just" friends.. disregard my messages..
P.S.S.S.S how many ps's could one write in an email?
P.S.S.S.S.S DO you know.. I kissed every girl before (ex-roomate),[WHICH ISN'T MANY] But all three of them that I hooked him up with directly , or indirectly in the last 3 years.
haha i even kissed his recent EX 2 years before they met like
freshman year of college. Then their was Eleni, and hrmmm who knows who
else?? Jenny do you know? I think that's really funny... the real vulture
type if you ask me. Talk to you later.
Now i have no fuckin clue why i wrote that to her. it was part of my response to her email which said... "it was strange you came over to (ex-roomates when i was there) and it was unexpected. you looked uncomfortable... why would you do that?" why??? wel
l i guess that's why i responded with what I wrote above.
so she writes back
"subject: grow up"
nobody wants to hear you bitch and complain about me anymore.
You're such a fuckin drama queen. Get over it already
that hurts. maybe she's right....but
telling me to "get over it"... who needs WHAT CAN OPENER?? AND IF YOU WANT DRAMA QUEEN.. .i have a few videos of her and some psychotic bitch scene at a camp site.. drama queen my ass... but then again... this page is al ldrama to some extent.. and
i don't even know why i write so much.. it's like my mind needs this release or it will explode. i will be done completely with this soon.
phew.. okay.. i'm all right.
<-------->
04-08-02
she continues to write me
"I'm not the only
one who thinks its time you take it like a man. Strap
it on."
<-------->
04-13-02
I know i deserve it.
Most important thing. That will make this different than all the others. I keep our friendship in the future.
Why do I even care? That's out of my mental capacity to anwser.
More has changed. Involving other sources of evil.
Not sure if it really helps to take the pain away.
Went to her house the other day.
To make things right.
She was getting drunk, and goin to go enjoy her self in the hot tub with these two other guys.
what to think?
not as angry anymore
a bit relieved
hope she is careful, happy and all right.
glad to not see my ex-roomate in the mix of the other two guys going to the hot tub.
I still dream about hurting him.
04-19-02
i'm a little unstable right now.... it's all to confusing... the way.. it
creeps back into my mind, like an unforgoten poison. You are so lucky to
be the soul interpreting my subconscience mind, as every thought reveals
itself in the form of these english words. I just opened my email and you
were the first to appear, and here I am writing you words of fear.
What the hell am I talking about???
Not sure... really.. it's 4:13am.. and i
should be sleeping, but i can't sleep.. anger arose within my head ;...
these stupid fuckin people suround me... i can't take it... the alcohol
speaks more than it should, but the herb won't balance the nonsense in my
head!
I swear.. if i see him, i'll hurt him. i'll tear his fuckin nose
off, and rip through his eyes so he can see what pain he is causing me.
That girl 4 months ..... 4 MONTHS.. and people from left field come to
me and tell me how she's over me.. and they're her friend now.. she calls
these strangers who they call themselves friends, and they take advantage
of the lonliness she feels... the poor girl... i can't stop this fuckin
insanity.. .. 11 months and half the time will be over...
................
i'm shaking....i'm shaking....so much...my hands.. my head.. my blood... is shaking....
So here it goes......
want to enlighten someone
want to murder someone
want to die
want to live
want to suffocate
want to breath
want to feel the inside of death
want to feel the inside of life
want to know why
want to know why not
want to sensitize myself
want to desensize myself
want to be destructive
want to be constructive
<-------->
AN email signed by the ex on 19 Mar 2002.
"Love Always,
Her Name"
****TODAY*****
Hey (MY NAME)~
I'm sorry things have changed so much between us. I
guess I just don't feel comfortable talking to you
when Chad is around. Oh, by the way, he doesn't
technically live with me, but practically...you know
how it goes. I would like to continue to hear about
the happenings in your life and be friends through
emails. Kinda like pen-pals, I guess. It's just that
when you call and leave messages and stuff it makes
both Chad and I feel uncomfortable.
Now, when it comes to the furniture, I'll be around
Saturday and Sunday of this coming weekend, so if you
can come over with an extra set of muscles, or a
truck, we can get it done quickly. Also, I realized
that I have that little double tiered end table of
yours and a lamp. I'm not sure what you want back.
Let me tell you though, I'm really gonna miss the
extra drawer space I had with the desk and dresser.
I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with stuff!
Well, I gotta go. Please take my request seriously
though. If we want to continue to chat, its going to
have to be through emails. Ok? Ok. Thanks.
Always,
HerName
.............................br>
SO I'm left to ask... "Always",, always what? always nothing? She wants to be my secret friend? That's what I deserve! hahaha okay. let me get this straight. I was a 'lover' for 2.5 years, and now less than a year later. The greatest offering she can gi
ve me as a friend, is to be her, secret pen-pal.
Honestly.. does anyone else find this to be a bit funny? I do.
I asked for my furniture back only because I needed it for my house when I move the hell away from the neighborhood in which we both still live in.
I needed it after I realized how distant she has become, and should I really allow an entire set of furniture to be borrowed by a 'pen pal?'
Who the hell does she think she's kidding.?
.....................................
sO.. NOW FOR THE MORAL of the story. The entire blog of shit, written above. and probally in the future.
The other week, i was at this local bar. A local establishmen I go to often for a nice pint of tucher, and a nice crowd of girls.
This guy named WIlliam was introduced to me by a girl named Trina, and I told him my name, and he asked "have you seen Jacob's Ladder". I've heard of the movie, but i replied "no, i haven't". He insisted I go see it.
2 days later I'm at work, and the janitor.. again.. named "william". Had a tatoo on his arm that said "fuck it!" It seemed quite interesting to me. Very blunt.. to the point. I asked his name,and his story.. he was a vietnam vet, "served two tours.. 24
years old.. platoon leader." He asked what my name was and I replied with my name. Immediately, he asks "Have you seen the movie .. Jacob's Ladder?"
Almost astonished now, I reply simply. no. "But your the second Will this week, who told me to go see it. Must be a sign."
Later that day I went to my friends house, and told him about my week, and my crazy conversation I had with the ex, and how...he states simply. "WHen I was in highschool.. i sketched this into my desk. "Just Let it GO." and that is it. I rented the movie
later that week, and watched it with one of my girl-friends. And in almost a sick irony. The movie was about death, and the vietnam war, but none of that was the theme to the movie. It was almost like I was meant to see this movie, and understand the re
levance of the theme, and the deeper meaning behind the simple three words. "Let It Go".
After all it is said and done. That's it. It's really that simple.
Let It Go
--The End
Where did ALL THE TIME GO?? WHY AM I BACK TO THIS AGAIN?
07-3-02
Wow. It's been over 2 months since I've written anything on here. Things do get better over time. It's amazing. I really never thought I would feel the way I do right now. I'm content. I have new friends. I've realized to let go of anyone in my past that
decieved me, or were not honest for my mentality. I am still single. She is not. I didn't have visions of this one though. Only one dream. And it was neutral. Sitting on her back year, doing homework. I confronted her, and she was composed, and so was I.
Her new boyfriend sat on the orch and read a magazine. It was interesting, but it's not causing me to wake up at night with clenched fists, wanting to kill someone.
ONly connection that I feel I might have had, was thinking about buying her a postcard in Mexico the other day. I wasn't sure why.. but I had this sudden urge to contact her. LIke before, but not as strong. It turns out it was her birthday. Subconscience
mind at work I guess.
I hope she's happy.
6 more months, and then I should be okay? is that right?
well..
<-------->
08-12-02
6 days after our "share day" share all things you know.
her objective -to make me nothing more than an object rejected. A fuckin boy toy! hahah mockery of many , and many to see, that a fuckin "boy toy", is summed up the relationship plenty. The shit she talks, just might heal... but the more she spills the more I mend her meal. I am no object! i thought i was more! At least a friend or someone she could adore. "I need a new boy toy" Muha. So it\'s done. A scratch on an arm that was just replaced my son. WIth pins and needles, and a plate or two, this arm hurt much much more than this girl who likes to screw. I feel the scratch, but it hardly compares. To this arm still hanging in need of repair.
Once on you, shame on her. Twice on you. Shame on you
<-------->
10-04-02
Somehow I let it happen again. The pain. It hurts once more. Same exact
feelings. Jealousy... false wanting to love. Missing her.... the friendship..
I can not write anything new to this topic.
Wierd coincidence occured.
William from a bar, and william the janitor at my work. Both met me, and on
different occasions told me to watch a movie "jacobs ladder".
The movie applies to my life. "Let it Go.", says jeremy. my friend.
Let it go. Is the theme of the movie.
I too see demons in my mind and in my false created universe. I don't know
what to think or believe anymore. No matter how hard I try not to get hurt.
I hurt myself. I want to be sad I think. But I hate feeling left out. Not
important, replaced. I hurt myself by not allowing a girl to fully enter my
life, but just enough to ruin everything but allow nothing to come from this.
Not even our friendship.
So once again, we are not even friends. We are merely aquantences. Girls can have that.
I can not. I would try anything to let it move further, but once I get the rabbit
I'll look for a fox. Its not that simple in my head.
My deranged thoughts turn to anger, hate, and rage. I go insane.. crazy.. whores a sluts surround me with just words, and no meaning.
I hurt and do not want to... her and myself. we are over. my second love of the
year is no more than a name and number.
WHy do I keep losing those closest to me? Why do I push away those who might
actually care the most about me?
No correction, and even a white rose, and please for undertanding will not
repair this wound.
last analogy created.
a sheet of paper both hanging on delicately to the ledge... eye to eye...
hanging with complete understanding. But.. the further one moves away.. the weaker it makes the point in the middle...
edventually that point will break.. and the tearing down will begin.
move fast enough you can grab them before they fall.. move to slow. or allow it to rip to many times.
they will never be reached again.
Is it just my weakness or their strenght that allows them to completely move forward
in such a quick manner? THey are almost not even human like.. cold..
porcelien doll like.. with nothing but coldness surrounding their selfish
needs.
Last Note
<-------->
10-07-02
So Much has changed in this past year, and yet so little has changed in the expectations of the ex girlfriend she was to become.
My friends said from the beginning not to hold onto anything. NOt a friendship, not even the idea of friendship. For eve n
that was futile. But our love? COuldn't the love we once had surpass all expecations, and pinky promises be made true?
Lets look at the pure facts before us, as I lay before you a log of emails, the date, the subject, and the signature, and you tell me how she changed.
**Remember. We promised eachother. No Matter what happens. Friends forever. Her at my wedding my at hers. AUnt HerName she wanted to be called. Aunt HerName.
A few days ago, I needed a best friend. In a way, i was still reaching, not yet ready to let go of the hope the possibility that deep down in her words from before, i would still hold that special place she promised me. The place where even friendships wo
uld offer the hand of decency to say.. i'm still here for you, or at least I will be your friend.
I called her when I was upset, 10 months after our break up, and I was just asking for a little support. Just a sign, to tell me that no matter how hard we try to deny the fact that we are no longer friends, we have still SOMETHING.... anything... that wi
ll not make our 2.5 year relationship seem so meaningless and complete bull shit.
I am not angry. I am not bitter. IN fact, I find this a bit funny.. to look at the truth in all that is told, and the irony in all that is laid before my eyes, in retrospect to the pain I commited to such a girl.
Good Bye Jenny
i posted on a public forum, that apprently she still reads.
Does anyone else find this email... beyond funny.. and almost sick?
"I would like to continue to hear about
the happenings in your life and be friends through
emails. Kinda like pen-pals, I guess. It's just that
when you call and leave messages and stuff it makes
both Chad and I feel uncomfortable."
her response
................
Well, myname, now I know. At least I won't waste my
time trying to salvage something that's not there.
What a relief. Good Luck in life. May you find
happiness in all that you endeavor.
Good Bye,
Her First, Middle, and Lastname
yeah, that's right, June 24th
Chapter Appendix Experience Poem
So, they say it's all about experience.. well.. try this one on for size... I am a clown in the mind , and the boy of a circuis experience of i9ll trained thought, and the weak minded... of those.. who tend to find humour, and experience in experimienteaing.. well let me say just this.. if one .. was to express all he could in a amnner that would justify his being, and his ..wanting to see.. what expeirne ce... would exists.. among ... people.. who.. feel loss.... it i s the lack
I am.. hear now.. with moises.. asking me.. if I am okay.. after.. a few beers... it seems
okay to see things.. that just .. don't seem right.. does it.. one
influcnes the other.. and before you know ... it.. it's all an expierience.. two girls kissing.
Last Straw "Do not forget this feeling"
My last straw
My breaking line
Always go on your sintincts.. your gut feeling. Do not full yourself into dependencies of false hope and lust.
It IS ALL A GAME
wait one more time... IT IS ALL A MOTHER FUCKIN GAME
So I thought.. or convinced myself because of the dependencies it won't come back around.
IT IS ALL A GAME
A few lines come to mind.
1. why are you always so angry at me all the time
2. It shouldn't be this hard.
So I don't forget the truth.
You have problem. you are upset.. problem deals with X person. You are sad
I try to relate... i have simliar X person to refer to.
my help is once again construde to harm. I am thinking only about myself?
Even though I was refering to my X person and not myself. how is that
being selfish
You wanted to fight.. deep down you did not have to get upset.
Why shall i walk on ice!?! there is so much land to stand on.
you left my car
you hung up on me.
DO NOT FORGET THIS.
*********************************************